Wednesday, March 21, 2007

An open letter to my handymen

Dear Handyman, aka laborer/wannabe-plumber/footing-digger/"carpenter"/counter-top guy:

Question one: What the hell is wrong with you??? Were you raised by wolves? How is it that you feed yourself without having ever learned a single thing about marketing, customer service, or business?

Why do you email me from your ex-girlfriend's account?

Why do you: call me at 7:30AM; mumble; tell me you know where my house is and then get totally lost; call me 17 times in 2 hours, and then arrive with only half the tools and supplies necessary for the job?

Why are you always AT LEAST an hour late, even when you've BEEN to my house before and know where it is?

Why don't you shower?

Why do you drop your heavy metal tools onto my newly sanded floors like some kind of clutzy neanderthal?

Why do you insult my house and the neighborhood within which it's located, and then go on to tell me how you're: still renting (at age 50-something) and hoping to find a house once you "clean your credit," or; facing forclosure on your five-bedroom Lakeville home, (where you live alone since your wife divorced you) or; living with your parents while you "jump-start" your business?



And why do you, my nameless, faceless, every-man-handy-man, feel the need to poke around my place, wide-eyed and tsk-tsking, in order to tell me that I "have a lot of work to do here?"

No shit, Sherlock, but it would get done faster if you'd do what you're supposed to rather than dicking around!

And stop whining. I'm paying you. Nobody's paying ME, and you don't here me complaining...

Well, not to you anyway, idiot(s).


La Gringa said...

I love it. I was reading this in Google Reader and I couldn't remember who Over North was for a minute. I thought, "Boy, I like this guy!"

Ranty said...

Haha! Glad you liked it...

Margie said...

Love this! I wish I would have known someone for you for the whole handyman thing. I do know a pretty good plumber though if you ever need one. Hope things are going better!

Ranty said...

It's okay Margie! Weirdo handypeople are sort of par for the course, I think... I may call you about that plumber when I get to the bathroom work though!

mindy said...

You get emails from their ex-girlfriends' accounts? That's just kinda weird.

Ranty said...

Yeah Mindy, it's bizarro, and it happens ALL THE TIME. Basically I've come to the conclusion that for whatever reason, many handman-types don't have computers or email, but those close to them do, so they take advantage of the opportunity when they're at their mom's/girlfriend's/ex-girlfriend's/brother's house to send me a message... from the other person's account.